For childless not by choice women, Mother’s Day can feel like a slap in the face. It can be easy to spiral into a not so great head space when the ladies in your life are being celebrated for birthing another human – something your body wasn’t able to do.
Set boundaries
It’s ok to skip the Mother’s Day brunches. If you’re not feeling up to attending events you’ve been invited to – just say so. Your friends and family will understand, and if they don’t that’s their problem not yours. No is a complete sentence if you allow it to be.
Keeping your feelings bottled up isn’t good for you. And the people in your life aren’t mind readers. Let the people who love you help you through the day. They can’t do that if you don’t tell them what you’re feeling – so let it out.
Decide how to celebrate your own mom. I’m super lucky to have an incredible mom. She knows how much I love her, but she is also very understanding that Mother’s Day can be weird for me. It’s weird for her too and we’ve acknowledged the shared weirdness. It could have been a special day that we spend together – her, me and her grandkids. But that’s not my reality and I refuse to dwell on the could-have-bens. I’ll send a happy Mother’s Day text on the day, but that usually the extent of it. Her birthday is at the end of the month, so we have a celebration then instead.
Prepare for Triggers
Just say no to screen time altogether. Social media can be an emotional spiral trap this time of year, why put yourself through unnecessary torture.
Running errands can also be emotionally dangerous. I learned this the hard way. In the early days of my “can’t have kids grief journey” I ventured out to the grocery store on Mothers Day not thinking it would be a big deal. There was a door greeter handing out single roses to every woman of child bearing age and showering them with Happy Mothers Day accolades. I burst into tears and left. Lesson learned.
The day after Mothers day can be tough too. The “what did you do this weekend” chatter in the office on Monday will be full of Mothers Day celebration stories. Unless you take the day off, avoiding this is impossible. Know that it’s going to happen and prepare yourself for it.
Reframe the day
If you want or need to spend a quiet reflective day alone, do it. But if you are ready to spend Mothers Day a different way, trying flipping the script by celebrating YOU as a woman.
Fill the day doing things you love: Spend time outside and unplugged – gardening, hiking, golfing or riding your bike. Schedule a spa day. Binge a new series and end your day enjoying a long bath with a glass of wine. Spend all day at your favorite bookstore sipping tea or coffee. Have a takeout strolling dinner and grub hub design a multi course meal by ordering all of your favorites appetizers, main course and dessert from three different places if you want. Or try a new recipe and spend time in the kitchen unrushed. If acts of service are your love language, walk dogs at your local shelter or volunteer with an organization that is important to you. The possibilities of how to spend your day are truly endless!
A note about the men in your life
Yes it’s Mother’s Day, but realize that your partner or spouse might be having hard time with the “holiday” too. Jaime never knew what to say to me or how to act around me those first few childless years. He was afraid of saying the wrong thing and didn’t want to make me cry. But he also didn’t want to avoid recognizing the day. The messy grief years are now behind us. He golfs and I do my own thing on “the day”. It’s fabulous. Regardless of where you are at on your own grief journey, just know that talking to each other about what you’re each feeling is hugely important.
However you choose to spend the day, try and remember that Mothers Day it just an ordinary day. A normal Sunday on the calendar that happens to have an extra label. That’s it. An extra label is not a tangible thing you can look at, see or touch. So why give some invisible thing the power to wreck your day? You get to control the narrative. Be gentle and kind to yourself and choose to have a fabulous weekend.