Uterus Eviction Party

No it’s not a baby…

As a woman who spent years getting pregnant, losing babies and never being able to have a child of my own I felt like I had paid my dues in the woman issues department.  I had gained a lot of weight during those trying to conceive years – thank you clomid, progesterone and fertility treatments.  When we finally reached the joint decision of no longer pursing a baby of our own, I found myself with a lot of time on my hands.  If you’ve been down the infertility path you understand what I’m talking about.  The amount of space the planning and scheduling of appointments, phone calls, tracking temperatures and cycles and on and on and on takes up in your brain is crazy.  With all of that chaos behind us, I had time to focus on me again.  Wanting to maximize my results, I started working with a personal trainer who helped me develop a sustainable workout schedule that I was excited about.  The results?  I was more fit and trim in my late thirties than I had been at any other point in my life.  Feeling stronger really helped me jump back into the fun parts of life again and helped me climb out of the “I can’t have a baby blues”.

For a few years I felt amazing! The year I celebrated by 42^nd trip around the sun everything seemed to fall apart health wise.  I was gaining weight, my period was no longer showing up every 28 days, I wasn’t sleeping and generally I no longer felt like myself.  Oh was I pissed!  I had worked so hard to get to this happy, healthy place and no matter what I tried, I wasn’t seeing forward progress.  I now know that the trifecta of early ovarian failure, peri menopause and giant fibroids were to blame. It took years of tests, advocating for myself, finding and switching doctors until I found someone that actually listened and helped. I’m so glad that menopause education seems to be having a moment lately so women and their doctors have better resources!  Maybe the “taboo” topic of infertility will be next to spend some time in the spotlight?

Fibroids are awful!  If you haven’t experienced them, I’m happy for you.  I could feel a giant hard mass in the middle of my abdomen which made moving around and working out difficult.  There was constant pressure on my bladder from the size and location of the fibroids and pain radiated into my back.  The swelling and inflammation intensified as my stomach bulged and continued to grow until I wasn’t sure it could stretch anymore.  I looked pregnant enough that on more than one occasion I was asked how far along I was.  Any guesses on how triggering that was?  I never got to experience having a giant pregnancy belly….but my body could grow fibroids like a champ!  Yay me! 

Needless to say, I was beyond miserable and just wanted everything taken out. When my doctor suggested that a full hysterectomy was the best course of action, I wanted to hug him!  Some women have complex emotions around losing their uterus, cervix and fallopian tubes.  Not me.  I had already spent years doing the grief work attached to my failed reproductive system.  I wasn’t sad and I wasn’t going to miss those lady parts in the least.

This calls for a theme party!

Instead of hugging my doctor, as soon as I had a confirmed surgery date, I launched into celebration mode.  Yes, I wanted to commemorate having organs removed with a party, inappropriate decorations and themed cocktails.  I was turning girls night into a Uterus Eviction party!  Why not?!  This was the closure I had been waiting for. Fourteen years of pain, grief and misery was going to physically be removed from my body and I couldn’t wait. I wanted to celebrate with my girlfriends and have a night of crazy fun before surgery because I knew recovery was going to be a long road. And celebrate we did. My husband and our good friend helped create a fun specialty cocktail menu, ordered hilarious matching shirts and spent the night behind the bar making sure no one had an empty glass.  They got way more than they signed up for and now know what really happens during girls night. Ha! We can thank (or blame) them for the shenanigans and late-night dance party that took place.

It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be to find decorations. I knew I wanted to be a little girlie and over the top with hot pink and glitter if possible.  Theme colored plates, utensils and napkins were easy to find.  Edible glitter in gold, silver and pink up’d the fun factor.  Strangely both the breakup and coworker leaving aisles had a lot of banners and garland to offer.  And thanks to some online sleuthing I even found Uterus stickers to include in the gift bags along with tampons (I wasn’t going to need them anymore!!!) and chocolate.  Believe it or not they even make pink and purple balloons printed with a smiling Uterus.  Taking those to our local party supply store to have filled with helium was pretty funny.  The owner happened to be there and said over the years she thought she had seen every type of balloon. When I asked if she would fill balloons with lady parts she didn’t think twice, although she did laugh a lot and asked me where I found them so she could place an order to have on stock in the store.

Feral, Sterile and Living Womb Free

Although there were some surprises during surgery (good bye ovaries and hello medical menopause), recovery hasn’t been too bad.  The immediate loss of hormones deserves it’s own post, maybe I’ll share that later.  Jaime has taken on SO much around the house allowing me to really focus on healing which has been the best gift.  I’m reminded of how much I love that man on a daily basis.  I’ve been a stellar patient and followed every single instruction to a tee.  I only get one shot at recovery and I’m not going to screw it up.  

A few more weeks and I can re-start all normal activities. Here’s hoping mother nature will cooperate by extending the summer season so I can get some golf and kayaking in before Fall brings rain and cooler temperatures. And speaking of colder weather, I plan on being a fashion rule breaker.  No white after Labor Day?  Forget about it.  This girl has been stuck wearing dark pants and dresses for far too long.  No more periods means white pants all year.

I highly recommend throwing yourself a Uterus Eviction Party and celebrate!  If you do, would love to hear about your event and see your pictures.