Some people claim to be a human barometer and can feel a storm coming in their aching joints. While I don’t have that talent, if you’re ever curious about the humidity level, one look at my hair will tell you everything you need to know. These last few weeks the heat and humidity have been oppressive, which means my fro is out of control and the chemo curls are bouncin’. (Shameless plug, I talk about chemo curls in my book Table for Two, Life After Infertility available here.)
This morning mother nature finally gave us some relief! We took full advantage of the less dense air and walked to our favorite local spot for iced coffees, one of my most favorite ways to start a Sunday. I will never, ever wish away summer, but it was quite refreshing to be outside and not instantly drenched with sweat. As we sat on the coffee shops covered patio enjoying our treats and chatting about the upcoming schedule for the week ahead, commotion at a nearby table caught our attention. A dad thought it would be a good idea to take his toddler out of the stroller and get him to sit at the table like a big kid. His son made it clear that he was quite comfortable where he was, thank you very much, and after throwing both of his shoes at his dads head with impressive aim, proceeded to scream and cry at a decibel level that could shatter glass. Jaime and I looked at each other, smiled and clinked our coffee cups silently cheers’ing that we were not the ones at the receiving end of those flying shoes.
It’s not that we have anything against kids – quite the opposite. But when little things like this happen in our lives, I find myself full of gratitude. Did we want to be parents, absolutely! Did we exhaust all avenues to try and have a baby of our own? Almost to the point of breaking our bank account and permanently destroying our relationship. Our immediate reaction, as we took in this mornings toddler tantrum, was “proof” of just how far we’ve come on our post infertility journey. We were happy to be observers and not active participants in that chaos. A few years ago, that might not have been the case. I’m proud of us.
These little reminders have popped up a lot lately. This last week was family day at work. The parking lot was transformed into an inflatable bounce house city, there was ice cream, face painting, games galore and even a petting zoo. As you can imagine, with a thousand people (literally) this event is fun for everyone….even a childfree woman who just had a hysterectomy. It’s always great to see my colleagues with their kids and notice who acts different when they are in “parent mode” vs how they behave in the office. I stayed for a bit, but chose to leave before the kid sugar buzz started kicking in. These family day events used to be really, really hard when we were trying to stay pregnant. I felt obligated to be there and pretend to be a happy, active participant but on the inside, I was so focused on what I didn’t have, what I knew I would never have, that I didn’t enjoy being there. I wasn’t able to be fully present. I allowed negative energy to distract me with such an intensity that joy couldn’t burst through even I wanted it to.
After learning about our infertility journey people say things like to us like “you’re so inspiring” or they ask, “how can you be so positive with everything you’ve been through?” The answer can help you deal with breaking free of a negative mindset regardless of your circumstances. Three little words: Find The Good. While it sounds simple, it can be difficult at first, especially if you are really stuck in a bad spot. But once you focus on something positive, you’ll find that good juju is contagious.
A real life example that might apply to you: Let’s say you start your day reading the news which gets you into a bad mood right away. While in the shower you realize that you’re out of conditioner because you forgot to put it on the weekend shopping list. Leaving the house in huff, you get all worked up because there’s a new lane closure that’s wrecking havoc on your commute. Now you’re late and there’s a giant line at your coffee drive through. If you stop, you won’t have enough time to get to work and set up in the conference room to start your zoom call on time. Now you’re really mad. You eventually get to the office and have to park in the way back which adds extra minutes that you just don’t have. Running into the building you dash towards the conference room, fire up your PC and it won’t start because it’s downloading an update. I could go on and on, but I’m getting stressed out just writing this.
Now, same scenario, but Find The Good. You start your day setting intentions and visualizing how great your morning meeting is going to go. When you realize there’s no conditioner in the shower, you think “Guess it’s going to be an updo day.” You leave the house early having saved all that hair styling time. There’s a lane closure on the freeway and after wondering if there’s an accident and hoping no one is hurt, you decide to avoid the backup and take backroads to the office. On your way you see a cute little coffee shop, so you stop in and grab a fun drink to check it out. You get to the office in plenty of time, but you’re not able to start your meeting because your computer has an update that is taking too long. Not a big deal. Your colleague starts the meeting for you and while your computer finishes doing it’s thing, you are able talk to the other participants about their weekend and laugh about how ridiculous all of the recent updates are.
Maybe a silly comparison, but you get the idea. It’s so easy to get stuck in a negative headspace. When you recognize the doom and gloom spiral is starting to happen. Take a breath. Find The Good. Flip the script in your head and see how your mood starts to shift.
Thoughts are powerful. Positive thoughts go in, positive energy comes out. Try it this week and see how your mood shifts.
Happy Sunday friends!